Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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