Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
