Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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