I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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