My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
