Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
