It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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