This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
