Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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