I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
