I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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