When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
