drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
