The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
