Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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