I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
