Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
