Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
