I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
