Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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