I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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