Umm I'm too high to move.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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