video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
