I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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