hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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