I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
