if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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