So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
