Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
