yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
did i walk over a car last night?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
