I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
