Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
