I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
