Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
my liver is dry heaving
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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