I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
