watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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