My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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