Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
