Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
