Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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