i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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