i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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