I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I currently don't understand fingers.
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