I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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