saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
