so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my phone needs a breathalizer
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
