ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
