obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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