The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
