woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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