there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
