on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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