Ambien. No doubt about it.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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