i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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