he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
