She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
