I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
