areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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