my being single is dangerous.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
