So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
