I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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