when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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