We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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