and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
