Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
