hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
