alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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