I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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