Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
