Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
