i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
